This Is Me As I See Myself
“This Is Me As I See Myself”. EC Neurology 8.3 (2017): 66-69.
Ismail Hakki Aydin
Ismail Hakki Aydin
I am impatient. I am hotheaded. I’m always in a hurry.
Because I do not trust these unknown creatures called humans.
I do not know if I can do all, but I have lots to do, lots to say and lots of knowledge to write about.
One of my biggest worries is that I won’t be able to pass on my knowledge and experience to future generations. This is a weight on
Because, this cruel life is too short!
For all these reasons, I am hurried and hotheaded.
Yes, I am egotistical, selfish, grumpy, crabby and an unbearable man.
Otherwise, why would I be a brain surgeon, who sees every operation as a battle and has to win that battle.
Throughout my life, I have been exposed to many difficulties, obstacles, injustices and defamation.
I have been under investigation and even prosecuted of some of these charges..
I’m used to these! I do not care anymore.
However, I was not anything more than a “human being” first.
I have always hated politics.
I am so alone in this universe that even my loneliness in which I find peace is all alone.
I considered the mind, science, education and scholars as guides which enlighten my road.
Respect for knowledge, the source of knowledge and my teachers has always been my fundamental principle and maxim.
The criterion of my value judgments is directly proportional to “knowledge”.
Whatever the source and the field, any kind of information attracts me.
I am just “me” who does not take sides with any sect.
I am just my own sympathizer.
Yes, I am “egotistical”!
And I think I deserve that.
I am touchy, precise, perfectionist, fussy and fastidious…
I am a difficult man to deal with. Very difficult! Difficult…
However, I have a planned and systematical life in accordance with my principles and imagination.
Until this time, I could not be resigned and reclusive. I can’t know what the future will bring…
My habits created by my social, genetic and scientific acquisitions have influenced my character, and my character has influenced my
life. In my opinion, it has also influenced my destiny…
The artistic romance has a great effect on the spirit world.
I have always considered writing as holy and beneficial. Using a fountain-pen has always been a custom, worship and a manner for me.
I’ve never been a wagon in my life.
Because, I could not find a locomotive in the standard that I could be a wagon, and my personality was not suitable for that. Indeed, I
was trained to be a locomotive.
I’ve always been the locomotive and the wagon of my own locomotive.
I have been the leader.
I have been myself.
I have been impartial.
I have tried to be fair all my life.
As I do not hide my feelings and I do not abstain from saying and defending what I believe to be true, I have a lot of enemies.
I have never asked anyone a favor in my life.
I left my family when I was ten. At the age of twelve, I was responsible for other people as well. I have always been left alone and told “You
are a grown up!”.
Good thing they left me alone!
I do not remember being a “Child” at all.
Although, the opinions of my grandfather, who shaped my life and whose name I am proud to carry, affected me a lot, I have decided on
my own. I am responsible for the good and the bad.
I have reached my position with my mind, my ambition, my determination and my brain. Not with the help of anyone…
I have struggled solely.
I did not fall for the nauseating and ugly traps. I have ruined the sneaky plans and nasty games of evil-minded frauds.
At the age of twenty-nine, I became a professor, the manager and the person in charge of my university’s Faculty of Medicine, Department
of Neurosurgery. This was a divine mercy and a gift from which only a few can benefit.
If I have success, other than Allah’s help and grace, it is because of me.
All my life, I have not been supported, but stonewalled.
Often, I was forced to carry burdens and responsibilities that I did not have to carry.
I have witnessed so many unfair treatments, morally and materially. But I was never unfair to anyone.
Citation: Ismail Hakki Aydin. “This Is Me As I See Myself”. EC Neurology 8.3 (2017): 66-69.
This Is Me As I See Myself
I did not even waste a toothpick unnecessarily. Maybe, I am overly sparing.
I did not ask for anything, any duty or position that I did not deserve.
Moreover, I did not accept any duty or position contrary to my principles and personality.
I have rejected even the most attractive offers I have received from various sources and countries, since they were contrary to my
character, my ideology and my habits.
I have not pleaded for mercy from anyone.
I have been betrayed by those from whom I never expected to be.
The ones I have helped most have been the most disloyal to me.
I have been cheated by the one I have given the most to.
I have also witnessed the intolerance and the betrayal of the ones who once needed the help of my name.
I have experienced the secret grudges of self-seeking and ungrateful people and seen how low, hypocritical, and characterless they were…
I have also been ruined by the ones who did not deserve the sorrow of love.
I have been silent, yes I have… However, this silence was not a result of my incompetence but my nobility. Otherwise, they very well
know that I have sarcastic, impairing, burning, and deadly answers whose true meaning they could only understand much later and how
I can humiliate using my words as weapons. This eternal skill of mine is known to everyone.
But even though I do not hold a grudge, I do not forget and I cannot forget anything and this hurts me even more.
My memory and intelligence are believed to be very powerful and effective. Whereas I believe those are curiosity, persistence, stability,
determination and my pain…
I have never said “if only”. I do not regret and I am not angry… But I am deeply hurt.
Thus, I have sacrificed the divine courtesy, purity, elegance, felicity, peace, nobility and virtue of my silence in return for the lowly ignorance,
misery, debauchery, vileness and disgrace of my regret.
I have not talked or written about any information without a source.
Because, my friends and the others know that I do not rely on “smart ideas of poor brains”, I keep a good record of my documents and
I protect them well..
I believe and rely on what I see, not what I hear.
I am proud to be credited and credit other people and I enjoy this in an infinitely indefinable way.
I have always loved and chased scientific meetings, speeches and conferences no matter its subject or whereabouts and I will continue
to do so…
I have always stood upright, not bent and I will stand upright again. As my deceased father used to say, I will patiently wait for my death
not lying on my bed, but while standing upright.
The number of people who hate me is excessive and the number of the people who really love me is very few. There are also people
who seem to like me.
Those crafty (!), cunning (!) people think that after all, I am a doctor, a surgeon, a professor…
And then there are these strangers who forget about me after they are done….
The ones who act like old friends when they need me…
The turncoats who have a personality disorder, the cowards, the poor…
What about those evil men, tricksters and, cheap and fake heroes…
Here I am, who is aware of all this and is still silent…
Now I think I hear different diagnoses (!) of my readers about me.
But I do not care at all … Everyone is free to think the way he/she likes.
Because, I believe that human beings are the mirror of truth.
This is who I am…
I am İsmail Hakkı, who imagined a different Surname, “nickname” for me years ago, because some pathological and malign connectomes
have entered my family tree by chance.
I cut my own umbilical cord. I can wash my corpse, enshroud it, perform the prayer and bury it to the grave I dig.
I express my deep acknowledgements to Professor Ergun Yener, for translations of the manuscript to the English.